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Saturday, February 12, 2011

Valentines, Valentimes and Other Things That Make Me Want to Chew Broken Glass

What do you think? 
Don't let this be you on Valentine's Day

It's almost that time of  year when malls and motels become more infested with hormonally disoriented couples than a My Chemical Romance concert. Yep, it's almost Valentine's Day and you're either lovestruck and excited about the whole thing, or you're a borderline obese, twenty year-old typing away on your laptop and posting stuff on your blog nobody ever gives two sh*ts about. 

Valentine's Day for me is like Christmas for a Jewish person - I just don't see why I should celebrate something which my belief dictates I shouldn't celebrate. Don't we have enough people snuggling and making out in public places already? The only difference is, on Valentine's Day, you get to give roses and/or stuffed animals to your special someone before you make out in public, or in a seedy motel, or both.

I just can't see why people need to celebrate Valentines' Day.  If you're going to say because it is when two people get to signify and express their love for one another, I'd be happy to direct you to Penaranda Park in Old Albay or just about any sleazy nightclub in Legazpi City, where it's practically Valentine's Day every night.

Valentine's Day, from a Valentine's Day cynic's point of view, is just another notorious holiday concocted by the clever bastards at Hallmark to sell their Valentine's cards and all that mushy, gooey love stuff. It's when you rake all of those lovey-dovey couples you see everyday on the streets and have them get together as a collective whole every 14th of February.

But I don't know. Maybe if I were in love myself, I'd liplock somebody in public too, whilst holding a stuffed toy and a bar of Toblerone. Love must really be that intoxicating. 

As far as Valentine's Day goes, admittedly, I get a warm, fuzzy feeling inside whenever I receive one of those cheesy homemade Valentine's cards your friends always hand you every Valentine's Day. This is undeniable evidence that Valentine's Day gives everyone a license to be sappy and tacky without people getting irritated. 

That's only one of the few things I find okay with February 14th, everything else not so much.

I've come up with a list of 14 things I want to say on the subject of Valentine's Day that may move you, make you think twice or just make you vomit:

Got you, you sonofa*****!

#1 Guess what the flower shop owner will be spending on his Valentines date? That's right, YOUR MONEY.

#2 Who are you going to fantasize as your date this Valentine's Day?

#3 The only thing more irritating than hearing the word "Valentines" is hearing the word "Valentimes".

#4 They should call Valentine's Day "She-male Awareness Day".

#5 Boys make Valentine's Day memorable for girls by giving the bonbons and roses. Girls make Valentine's Day memorable for boys by giving them STDs.

#6 If you're going out on Valentine's Day with someone who wears amounts of makeup appropriate only when it's Halloween, you two will not last long.

#7 Have you been going out on a date with your hand on Valentine's Day all your life? I wish only the best for you two.

#8 The only flower I'd find gratifying this Valentine's Day is Chicharon Bulaklak.

#9 A good indicator that you're compatible with the girl you're dating on Valentine's Day is if she doesn't have a penis.

#10 The only dateless men happy on Valentine's Day are gynecologists on overtime.

#11 Prove to her that you love her by buying her an expensive ring. Prove to her that you're an asshole by using her credit card.

#12 If you're going to propose on Valentine's Day to the one you love, do it seriously, sincerely and with all your heart. Do it on Willing Willie.

#13 Ladies, if you want your Valentine's Day to be successful, I have one advice for you: SHAVE.

#14 I've run out of cynical things to say about Valentines just like how your wallet will run out of money on Monday.


  1. katibay siyeeeeet..naka relate ako! woooh chicharon bulaklak. :) katibay. valentines day = mono :D

  2. ow si camille po plan ini kuya drew :DD


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