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Friday, May 18, 2012

Sanchez, Phillips and A Bunch of Careers That Await the Loser on American Idol

What do you think? 

"We hate each other."
              As a realist who was expecting a Colton Dixon/Phillip Phillips standoff in the finale, I could not stress enough how shmowzowed I am about the American Idol Top 3. 
             And I bet if the savagely undervalued Elise Testone managed to break into the Top 4 instead of that awful Hollie Cavanagh (who had managed to show America that getting to the Top 4 isn’t so much about the vocal quality as sounding as if you’re gargling marbles while singing), the competition might've been a little more interesting. But I digress.
"Thia Megia who?"
     With a Top 3 as electrifying as Season 8’s Allen/Lambert/Gokey trifecta, we could forget about the losses that have so been unfairly executed within this season.
              Earlier, we saw Joshua Ledet leave the show, which to me was not at all surprising. At that point, seeing any of the three get eliminated wouldn’t startle me. However, if I had to kick out somebody from Idol judging from the numbers last night, it would definitely be Jessica Sanchez.
            Jessica Sanchez last night was about as exciting as taking your dad out to KFC after a prostate exam. To me, she was so dangerously drab and boring during her last set of performances that those people who voted for her on the hotline could convey sweaty palms over the phone. She was definitely in hot water last night and is very lucky to have overcome the crucible of bad song choices, especially in the competition’s most crucial point. I blame the judges and Jimmy Iovine for their sucky vocal optimization theories!
              But now we could all let out a collective sigh of relief as Sanchez is now officially a Top 2 finalist. Next week, it will be a bout between Jessica Sanchez and Phillip Phillips.

   The clash of powerbelter against blue-eyed soul singer stirs up everyone so much that I’ve heard that even our old neighbor is putting up a viewing party so that the rest of the neighborhood could watch the epic showdown together next week.
    He thinks it’s a boxing match.
   Anyway, at this point, even I am stumped as to who’s going to win Idol. But the more pressing question of our time is “What in Lana Del Rey’s surgically altered lip folds will the loser be doing as he/she wallows in the shadows of the victor?”
   Ending up in Idol as a runner-up ain’t half-bad. There are still limitless possibilities! If you don’t believe me, read my list of Jobs That Await The Loser on American Idol!

If Jessica Sanchez loses, she could:
  1. NOT be famous for a while and then appear in Party Pilipinas.
  2. Teach Hollie Cavanagh a thing or two about using the vocal chords to sing.
  3. Sing one of Charice Pempengco’s songs just to fuck with her.
  4. Start to figure out if she’s going to sing the Philippine national anthem for Manny Pacquiao or sing the national anthem of Mexico for his Mexican contenders.
  5.  Establish a promising career in doing roles as an extra in Hollywood movies about the Vietnam War.

If Phillip Phillips loses, he could:
Wait for it...
  1.  Always expect that Penshoppe is always keeping an eye on him even as he sleeps. 
  2. Cut the ribbon for Phillip Phillips Philippines, the most phonetically redundant organization in the country.
  3. Get extremely intoxicated in his concerts so that he could finally not just sing like he's drunk, but also sing WHILE he's drunk.
  4. Sign with TV5 to make locally produced records and act terribly on television. And then NOT go back to to the States just like David Archuleta and Keith Martin, the “Because of You” guy. 
  5. ...there it is!
  6. Finally do something about that forehead vein and be immortalized as a 9GAG meme.

3 comments:

  1. HAHAHH natawa ako sa views mo kuya drew :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. yep! very hilarious!

    But I'm really a Jessica Sanchez fan. haha.

    :)

    ReplyDelete

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